Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
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*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
A drum solo but on your face.