Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
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Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together