7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
courtroom exchange of the day
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.