Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.