That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
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Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic