I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Tastes like chicken.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
cyclists
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.