Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
oppen heimer style lol
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.