A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.