Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Saturday
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten