Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.