Introverted vegans go meetless
You Might Also Like
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
had to make it
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.