It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.