You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
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You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
New Tinder profile.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
bro what is going on at twitter
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.