Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
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Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Me when someone tries to get to know me
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him