[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
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Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Body by cheese-puffs.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.