[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know