“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
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[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado