I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
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[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Cats are still liquid.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
An owl showing some catlike behavior.