I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Pandas 🐼🖤
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.