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Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.