If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
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“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My daily affirmation
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.