me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends