Nice try, poison.
You Might Also Like
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
this will hang in the louvre one day
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*