90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
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The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.