If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
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due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
In banana years, I am bread.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.