I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
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The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Had an epiphany today.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Finally, an explanation.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]