Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
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Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.