Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
You Might Also Like
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder