My last name is Zilla.
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC