[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
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Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Sunday
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Awesome parenting 😂
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.