I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
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Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Merica.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?