If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
$4 #usedbooks
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”