At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
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Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
dam girl
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Challenge accepted.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*