That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.