I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.