What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
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Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator