My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
kevin is now a local weatherman
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*