[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
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Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
plant them where lol
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer: