A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
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Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.