*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Body by Oreos
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.