me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
You Might Also Like
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?