Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
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holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I am a gravy boat captain
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog