If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
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I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass