If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
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Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Wait a second…
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.