even bears disappoint their mothers
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
May have had one breakfast too many
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin