I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
#SCOTUS one-star review
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started