Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
this is what they would have looked like, though
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“HELP WITH CAT”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.