I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
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Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.