Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive