In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Holy shit he’s back
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”